Clarity
by no dang name is available
Summary: AU. Songfic. Based on the song Clarity by Zedd and also on the movie Brokeback Mountain. Akashi and Kuroko are in love with each other. However, they are both married and have families. Each with their respective wives and lives, they were forced apart by obligation, responsibility and society. They were rarely allowed to meet. But as their love is forbidden, such is their fate.


**[Edit] **I have been told to remove the lyrics. D:

**Author's Note: **Inspired by the movie Brokeback Mountain and this beautiful song. Disclaimer, not mine neither the song nor the characters, though this story is. Ugh. Couldn't help myself from doing it.

* * *

When they met during secret rendezvous away from their wives, away from their families, they always felt some twinge of guilt in their chests. What they were doing, they knew, was wrong and underhanded and unfair to the people that loved and cared about them. But it was inevitable. Their love was wrong, forbidden even.

Pain is inescapable.

A love between two men? Unthinkable. Improbable. Disgusting. Abnormal. It was looked down upon and so they had to pretend. To pretend that they weren't so terribly infatuated with a person of the same sex. To pretend that they abhorred the idea of two men kissing, holding hands, innocently loving each other. They had to pretend to condemn those who did not conform to common standards of society as filthy and unworthy of the Lord's saving grace. Essentially, with every lie that came out of their mouths, they were shunning their own unorthodox emotions farther and farther down a pit of self loathing. They had lied so much that they almost believed the words they've spoken as truths.

But during the nights when two bodies met in an affair of rampant desires and cravings that have lain forcibly dormant for much, much too long, all negative thought escapes their minds and they drown in each other. For one night, they were allowed to lose themselves into each other's maze, and forget all else.

"I missed you," came a breathless whisper as hands roamed everywhere, touching, exploring, memorizing the familiar map once again, as if they would forget if they didn't do so. But they never forgot.

All contours and dips are the same as before. The same pale chests, the same toned arms, the same beauty marks and birth marks. All the perfections and imperfections that made them who they were stayed relatively the same, and that fact was comforting to both of them. Because it meant that even after years and years of pretending and lying, the person that they fell in love with was still that same person their fingers were finally able to caress after much too long of a wait.

Ice blue orbs stared into fiery red and gold ones before a rough and calloused hand descended on a pale cheek.

"Tetsuya," Akashi leaned his forehead against the other's and drank in his scent. Both of them stayed still, none making a peep, listening only to the sound of their breaths. Kuroko closed his eyes and waited for the man on top of him to plunge inside, his arms draped over the man's shoulders, fingers laced into fiery red hair.

"S-Sei..." Kuroko groaned at the intrusion when the redhead finally moved.

"I love you," Akashi nipped at the other's ear, "Don't ever forget that."

"Ahhhh," Kuroko squirmed, "I-ah, l-love you too! And t-that won't... ngh, ever change."

Their screams, moans, and sighs faded away into the cold darkness.

* * *

Sitting on his and his wife's bed, Kuroko buried his head in his hands as tears streamed down from his face. How long was he going to have to wait now? A month? Two months? Three? Maybe even a year before they can meet each other again.

Fate was cruel, Kuroko knew as much. He acknowledged that fact the day he realized he was in love with the redheaded man. He knew that no matter what they did, they would never be together. They _could _never be together.

But was it so wrong to love someone? Was their love so sinful? Was their love so dirty, so scandalous?

Then why? Why was it so difficult for him to let go? Why did he long for his touch every moment of his life? Why did he crave the sound of his voice, calling his name in that sweet tone that was only reserved for him?

* * *

Akashi sighed and loosened his tie and rested his forehead against the cool glass of the window of his office. He needed to see him. He was desperate to have him in his arms. He was about to go insane, and he surely would if they kept this up for much longer. They've already played by society's rules, for so many years, shouldn't it be time for them to claim their reward for being such good sports?

He closed his eyes and tried to imagine the tealhead's face, smiling at him. Trying to give himself the courage to go on. But his mental picture only served to make him crave his presence still.

Try as he might to forget, memories came rushing from his head and soon he found himself lost in the intoxicating image that was his forbidden lover.

* * *

Akashi remembered that night, he couldn't pin point which night exactly but it was, with no question, a night that he could not forget. They did not do anything that night. Only laid there in each other's arms, listening to one another's heartbeats.

In just a few short hours their night together would be over. They would have to return to their own lives. Return to pretending. Return to their prisons.

Kuroko was the first one to stir from their trance. "I have to get ready to leave soon."

Akashi hummed thoughtfully in response.

"I... have to get out of the bed," Kuroko said as he placed his hand over Akashi's.

"... Don't." Akashi gripped tight on the fingers caressing his own.

Kuroko didn't say anything. Eventually, he sighed, extricated his digits from Akashi's and cupped the redhead's face with both of his hands, "I have to."

Akashi bit his lip to stop himself from begging the other to stay. Kuroko could tell that Akashi was holding himself back.

"Don't make this harder for me. Please, if you say one more word I don't think I can stop myself from—"

"Stay with me. Please." Akashi pleaded. Akashi never pleaded.

"I-I... Can't. And you know that. _We_ can't. Please, stop," Kuroko was near tears. The redhead sat up and crawled toward Kuroko who was seated upright by that time. They were both exhausted from their emotions. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man and nuzzled his head against the other's back.

"Don't."

* * *

Akashi refused to let go.

* * *

Kuroko clutched the sheets in his hand and fought the tears from spilling.

"Let me stay like this, then. _Please_, Tetsuya." Kuroko bit his quivering lip.

* * *

Akashi was overwhelmed. He just wanted to hold him. Hold him and never have to let him go.

"...Okay. Just for a while."

* * *

That was the first night Akashi truly understood that they were never meant to be. That the extent of their love can only be culminated in occasional late night trysts. That their destinies were not intertwined by the red string of fate. He understood it well.

Yet...

* * *

**[EDIT] **page break lines are where the copied lyrics were


End file.
